Sunday, January 3, 2010

Back From Hell (10 Worst Things About a Dental Abscess)

I haven't blogged in over a month. I could attribute this to the Holiday Season, or to the long awaited "trip to Vegas with Manny and Brian", or being burnt-out, but the truth is I haven't felt like doing much of anything since my trip to HELL with a dental abscess.

The timing could hardly have been bottom right, back molar started hurting a few days before I was supposed to leave for Vegas. I begged my dentist to "do whatever is necessary to not ruin my trip", so I ended up going to Vegas on antibiotics, a commenced root canal, severe pain, a swollen jaw and some major league trismus (essentially.....lockjaw). I never appreciated being able to open my mouth until a month of not being able. I could open my mouth enough to slide in a teaspoon with something flattened onto it.

In an effort to experience all the major illness groups and report to my readership, let me tell abscess pain stands front and center with the best of them, and I am so far acquainted with heart attack, throat cancer and melanoma surgery. This pain laughed at high levels of Advil and Tylenol, and scoffed at Vicodin. If I had saved a morphine patch from my throat radiation days, I'd have slapped that baby right on.

I would be remiss if I did not recount the miracle of my hellular redemption. When I got back from Vegas, my dentist referred me to an oral surgeon, who was reluctant to extract the bad tooth in my "condition", and suggested it be done at the hospital under general anesthesia. I'd have followed this advice, but the surgeon at the hospital could not see me for two days more. The next morning I had some new clients at my office, and when I apologized to them for talking slow and slurred due to a dental problem, the man asked what the problem was. Bottom line.....he was an oral surgeon who was on vacation, his credentials were incredible, he saw my condition was serious, and offered to extract the tooth at his friends office immediately. We went straight there and he did the job.....starting me on the road back to blogging.

What were the chances of that?!?!

As a blogger I'm sometimes not so keen on my own privacy, but I will respect my savior's privacy and not mention his name. However, if anyone in my blogging world ever needs help in this area, e-mail me.

Here's a top 10 list (worst things about a dental abscess) to start the year:

10. If you research any medical topic on the internet, you become certain death is at hand.

9. Not only could I not sleep, when I drugged myself to sleep I kept dreaming that gremlins were planting exploding teeth in my gums.

8. If you take an antibiotic which can cause diarrhea, and then start on Vicodin which makes you constipated, you become certain that you will eventually become an exploding sack of s**t.

7. Eating in tiny bites makes every meal go really slowly. I need another 30 years or so until I can accept that.

6. When the bad tooth was finally going to be extracted, I could hardly wait for the Novocaine shot....just to make the pain stop.

5. When I was in Vegas, the only time I was not having dental pain was while playing craps.

4. I have given a lot of thought to how a dental abscess would have been handled in the 1800's. I have concluded it is too painful to think about.

3. One night I was up at 5 AM, and watched the movie "A Picture of Dorian Gray". It was pretty cool, so now I am reading the book. OK, so SOME good came of this.

2. I know there are worse things that can happen, and I don't usually express things like this, but.....I hope I never find out.

1. When something bad finally ends, it causes a wave appreciation for health and freedom from pain. I pray for the strength to always remember this.

I wish a happy and healthy 2010 to ALL.

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